Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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