dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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