dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
