im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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