today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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