I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
