I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
