Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
