Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
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sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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