The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
