Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
