theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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