it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
