I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
