you guys were way drunker than both of me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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