I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
