Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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