Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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