I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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