I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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