New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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