My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
