Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
