I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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