Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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