my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
