dude i'm inner monologue high
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
