life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
