Please, let me fuck your mom
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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