My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.