Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
either way he was missing a nipple.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN