$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
