Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
