he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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