I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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