This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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