but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
