All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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