You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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