We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
