Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
