ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
