The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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