I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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