i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
