last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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