drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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