I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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