im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
