I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
