can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
