Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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