How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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