at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
