I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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