god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
