Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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