it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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