My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Of course I have a pirate flag
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
