I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
