i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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